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Give in... or stay strong???
So it was a long night, a really horrible morning, and a long day. Still crying here and there, but there are times where i'm okay. I'm constantly thinking about the situation... I think the fact that it's just a break, and not a break-up almost makes it harder to not think about it, cause i'm not sure when he's gonna come back. But, i'm getting through the day, thanks to friends and their support.
This morning was a horrible experience. Every morning i go to chris's and take a nap at his place before i go to school. I woke up at 5:30 am, the time i wake up every morning before i go to chris;s, this was voluntary, no alarm, no nothing... i look at the clock, and all i can think is, i should be getting ready, i should be heading to his house... I'm supposed to fall asleep lying next to him, i'm supposed to go to school comforted a little more because i was able to spend some time with him and i was able to say i love you before i went. I'm so used to my routine and i'm so used to having my arm around him when i sleep, and feel his chest expand everytime he breathes... it hurt that i couldn't be there, and it hurt that i didn't get to kiss him on the forehead before i left for school. I hurts the most to not hear him say i love you. I cried the whole morning. I couldn't quite get over the fact that i wasn't going to see him the whole day. I wasn't going to be able to talk to him, laugh with him, kiss him, hug him... The whole day i ran through my regular routine, wake up in the morning go to his place, go to school, go to his place, grab something to eat, bring him to work, and thing pick him up and spend an hour before going back home. But instead of that, my routine was broken, i was so used to doing those things, i didn't know what to do.
I got to school, and i couldn't help but feel lonely... i was so sad and the tears just kept flowing. i just sat in my car, for half an hour, then went to class. I knew my eyes were puffy. My eyes have never been so puffy in my life... they were the worst i had ever seen them. I could tell that kim knew i was in bad shape. i kept my sunglasses on for as long as possible, till Mr. Hizal started the lectures. Half way through, mr. hizal had seen my swollen eyes and asked "are you about to die? Cuase it looks like ur about to die." i replied "No... yes. yes..." and i laid my head down on my desk and just cried my way through class. That was one of the most embarassing things thats happened all year. I stuck out the rest of the day with a few stray tears now and again, but no sobbing and no actual crying. The school day was over for me and left school. I got to my car. I tried calling chris, i wanted to talk face to face. I needed to talk face to face. But he wasn't there. I called rachel and she said we could hang out. We went to her place and we talked. I felt so much better, just being able to talk to someone about whats going on her life and mine and just not feeling so alone. After a few hours of chatting, i had to go home and she had to go to school. So i sat in my room, took a 10 min nap, because thats all my head would allow (even though i only got 3-4 hours of sleep last night) and i decided to watch Dr. Phil then Oprah.
I got lonely and with the topics brought up in Dr Phil i couldn't help but think about me and chris. i thought about it rationally, not just for me, in my state at the moment, but in the long run. I don't think i need a break, to be totally honest. I think i just needed a day to figure things out. And what i figured is that we just need to work it out and talk about it. I think that the day he decided we needed a break, it was so sudden that i wasn't able to sort my thoughts about it and i wasn't able to say no, i think we should talk it through. All i got was frusterated that day. I think that after looking at it its just a question of how to solve problems and how to deal with arguments. I know and he knows that i rely a lot on him and the relationship for happiness and for completeness and after not having him around for a little while, its apparent that i need something not someone to keep me happy. Maybe i should start spending some time away from him like once a week, where i see him for a couple hours, then do my own thing for the rest of the day and hang out with friends and things like that. That way i still have him, i don't lost him, but i'm able to be myself and not be dependent on him all the time. I don't think the break is necessary... but i'm not sure if it's just me or what. I don't know if i should cave in and talk to him today, becuase i feel that its not necessary for me or if i should let him have his time to sort through whats going on. I think maybe i should talk to him, tell him my feelings, and what i have come up with and get his feed back, see what happens.