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the future freaks me out...
yea... that damn band Motion City Soundtrack did that song... but past that i'm scared. Over the last 8 months i've busted my balls and worked the hardest i've ever worked to make something work... a relationship work. Over the last 8 months i've fallen in love and found the person i've dreamed of since i was a little girl. I found all the characteristics i've always wished for in a guy. And the faults and the flaws that i've found, are anything but that, those flaws make him him, and make him perfect in my eyes. I've found him...
But as it's been brought to my attention in the past... the future holds anything but a smooth road ahead. I'm scared shitless. I've decided to stay in San Diego for my freshman year of college, at least. I'm gonna be living in or around PQ so thats good. Chris is gonna finish up community anf transfer to his college of choice second semester... his college of choice is UNLV. That's great and all, and don't get me wrong, i want him to be happy... but i just wish he was happy with me, around me... He says he wants to go to UNLV so he can live with his cousin Kayla... not to be rude and i don't want to seem selfish (even though i know i am being exactly that) but, kayla will always be around, she's family... he doesn't have to work to have a relationship with her, he always will... that doesn't go for a girlfriend. I mean, sure, we can try to have a relationship from SD to LV, but how realistic is that. He hates the phone which is only one concern. He doesn't believe in long distance relationships, he even said that he will more than likely break up with me over distance if it were to come about. Its just like, do u still want me in your life when u go to college. He says the college experience is about starting in a new place without knowing anyone... its just like, he wants to start over without me. I just wonder if he even cares that it will end things. I mean, its not like its positively going to happen, but even he said it will be over. It's like, do i mean anything at all, do i have any value, because if i do, then why leave a good thing... why end a good thing? I justcan't find a way to keep it all together. I can't find a way to make it last. And even if i could, i wonder if he would want it to. I know i would do anything in my power to make it last, i would move, i would change schools, i would call all the time, i would buy anything and everything to make it work out... but is it mutual. Would he try to make it work? Would he do the same thing for me? I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to convince him that i'm worth it. I don't know how to pursuade him to try. I don't know how to not end up broken hearted... I'm just so broken up about this whenever i think about it... it kills me.
"'Tis better to have loved and lost
Then never to have loved at all"
-Tennyson "In Memoriam A.H.H."
i guess i have to start making this my mantra.